The Dance: Behavior is a language

As I lay there on my back, just barely able to open my eyes, the soundtrack from Dirty

Dancing playing. “Now I had the time of my life…” I had no idea where I was or why

people were calling out my name.

As my eyes fully opened, I could not see at first then slowly my vision returned, yet

everything was spinning and I knew what happened was not “the time of my life!”

A few minutes earlier I was dancing at a wedding, enjoying a beautiful evening and the

last thing I remember was leaping into the arms of the groom who in his not-so-sober

state, dropped me straight onto the concrete knocking me unconscious. Yes, I can hear

you asking the question, “Why did you jump into the groom’s arms?” I have a great

answer- I have no idea! It was an emotional moment of joy and excitement as the last

song played and he was about to begin his new life- my behavior was a language,

telling him I love you and can’t wait to see all God has for you in the future. In hindsight,

my fifty-year-old self should have not been leaping into the arms of a young man who

had no idea he was supposed to raise me into the air as we reenacted the iconic Dirty

Dancing lift!

Whether we are aware of it or not, our actions, reactions, and interactions are a

language that set the direction, tone, and rhythm of our marriage. Behavior is a

language. Welcome to the not-so-always beautiful dance of behavior in our marriages.

We tend to think that how we communicate and respond is through our words, yet I

would argue that our behavior in marriage is a language that can speak louder than

words. Picture this: you come home after a long day at work, and your spouse greets

you with a warm smile and a hug. Instantly, your mood lifts, and you feel appreciated

and loved. On another day, your spouse barely acknowledges your arrival, and you find

yourself feeling neglected and unimportant. These scenarios demonstrate the immense

power of behavior in influencing our emotional well-being and marital satisfaction.

In a marriage, every action and reaction, both big and small, send messages to your

spouse. I can turn my back on my spouse and what she “hears” and feels is, you’re not

important enough for me to stand here and listen. If you spend days ignoring your

spouse after an argument and physically removing yourself from their presence you are

telling them through behavior, I will not fight for you, you’re on your own. Silence will kill

a marriage. Our behavior communicates love, respect, understanding, and

empathy—or, conversely, neglect, frustration, anger, and indifference. So it’s crucial to

be mindful of how our behavior impacts our spouse and our marriage as a whole.

In a marriage, behavior being a language is not uncommon. We can easily fall into

negative behavior patterns, where your spouse’s actions trigger negative reactions from

you, and vice versa. We must break free from these destructive behaviors to build a healthier and

more fulfilling relationship. Here are some ways to do just that:

1. Communication is Key: Use your words! 90% of the couples I work with have

not talked about the issue they are facing. One of the predictors of

a marriage in trouble is a lack of or non-existent communication. If you become

silent- you allow bitterness and resentment to take hold and strangle the life of

your marriage.

2. Practice Empathy: When words are non-existent, look past the problem and

see the person. Try to understand their feelings and actions then move towards

them and invite them to open up. You can react to them being closed off or seek

to understand and find an open door of connection.

3. Celebrate the Good: If you see your spouse expressing positive behavior and

communicating well, celebrate them! Thank your spouse for communicating with

you and acknowledging their efforts.

As I bring this horse into the barn, allow me to address our individual behavior. It’s

essential to recognize that individual behavior not only influences the marriage but is

also shaped by it. Our personal experiences and family of origin profoundly impact how we interact

with our spouses. For instance, if one partner grew up in a

household where conflict was avoided at all costs, they may struggle to address issues

directly in their marriage.

If you take time to understand the role of individual behavior it can foster empathy and

patience in a marriage. Instead of criticizing our spouse’s actions, we can take a step

back and recognize that their behavior is a product of their life experiences. When you

do this it will build emotional intimacy, trust, and vulnerability. Or can stonewall,

criticize, fold your arms, and walk away? What will you choose?

Remember that every day presents an opportunity to strengthen your marriage. Just like

when dancing, your actions can be in step with your spouse or your behaviors can leave

you laying on your back wondering what happened. Behavior is a language, and I hope

you enter into a beautiful dance of healthy behaviors that leave you saying about your

marriage “Now I had the time of my life!” Happy dancing