“I don’t need to be like you!”

"I don't need to be like you, I'm my own person!" he blurted out as he and his wife sat in front of me, teetering on the edge of a marital breakdown. Her main frustration was that she wanted them to be more in sync—doing everything together, liking all the same things. He, on the other hand, wasn’t against spending time together, but he didn’t want to lose his sense of self. Sound familiar?

Unity in marriage is crucial, but it’s important not to confuse unity with uniformity. Unity is about being aligned on your values and the core foundations of your relationship. You should be on the same page when it comes to how you raise your kids, manage money, and stay faithful to one another. Beyond those shared values, though, it’s okay—and even healthy—to remain your unique selves. Uniformity, where one person feels they need to be a carbon copy of the other, isn’t the goal.

True oneness in marriage means you’re united in what matters but still two distinct individuals. You can have shared interests, but you’re also free to have your own. For example, I love being outdoors, and Shannan? Not so much—she's more of an indoor person. I’ll spend the entire day outside, while she could go without seeing the sun for 24 hours—seriously! And yet, after 31 years of marriage, we’ve learned to embrace our differences and stay united on the core foundational values that our marriage is built on.

So, in your marriage, aim for unity, not uniformity. Trust me, you don’t want to be sitting across from someone saying, "I don’t need to be like you!"